I want to hide under my bed and never come out. But mostly, I want someone to just be there when I really, really need them. It would help if I knew what to say when I'm feeling down rather than just shut myself down to all interaction. I want to stop trusting the wrong people. I want to stop letting other belittle me and make me feel like I'm being silly or that I'm always wrong.
But then, my problems don't matter. They're not problems at all. If I'm not smiling, then I'm being overdramatic. If I smile too much, I'm annoying. I don't know what to want or do.
Nothing.
Maybe I just pretend to be happy. I like the idea of it, but just the idea. I follow ideas of happiness that aren't really the things that will make me happy. I need to legitimately be done with certain things and stand my ground. Easier said than done
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Pittsburgh!
So I'm back. Pittsburgh was AWESOME. The flight freaked me out, but I knew that would happen. I was moved to an Express plane. So it only took an hour to get there. Thursday night we went to Piccolo Forno, a really nice Italian place. Homemade gnocchi!!!!! haha Paul's housemates, Rick and Kim were the ones that found it and brought us. They have excellent taste. Kim had just gotten back from Hawaii too. I can only imagine how exhausted she was. I was finally introduced to Bailey and Ophelia, the dog and cat who constantly spend their time in Paul's room. They're both wicked adorable. We made a Walmart run because I needed a razor and shaving cream. There was a sale on Halloween candy and I couldn't resist. hahahaha. Paul will be eating what's left for weeks. Maybe.
Friday, Paul had work. So we made breakfast, I took a nap (spooning with Bailey, obviously. He's a big cuddlebug) and did some homework. Health Services called to continue my heart saga. Wednesday night I had to go in because they told me I had abnormalities on my EKG and they sent it out to be read. I was freaking out. Then on Thursday, my office at home compared it to my old one and found some of the same abnormalities. So I felt better knowing I was just weird and not dying. Then, Friday, Health Services called me back to tell me that actually, no, there were some differences and I needed to get double checked. Freaking out again. I shoved it back and tried to just enjoy Pittsburgh. I would make my appointment when I got home they told me. So I laced up the shoes and went for a run around Pittsburgh. I actually ran to Paul's work, re^2. HUGE hill. Coming back up it was NOT fun. haha. I got in 9.5 miles, mostly hills. But Paul saw me when I ran down there and he whistled. I didn't turn around right away so this guy washing his car started laughing and goes, "See! She thought it was me!" I showered and lay down for a little while with Ophelia until Paul came home. He was tired so we bought Bridesmaids, Rock brought home Taco Bell and we spent the night laughing.
Saturday was ZOO DAY! Pittsburgh Zoo. We had fun. Paul said he'd never been to one before and just wanted to see the tigers. They had so many flamingos and elephants though! And at the end, a mini donkey and a camel. Kangaroos too. We explored the Strip District after and tried getting lunch at the famous Primanti's, but the line wrapped around the block so we ate at a grille around the block and wandered around looking at everything. It was a beautiful day too. We went in a Halloween Costume store and they had the Rosie the Robot costume from the Jetsons. I tried it on, but the arms sleeves were a little big for me. :( I loved it though. It was a good exploring day though. We went to South Side for dinner at Fatheads (the number 2 restaurant in Pittsburgh) with Rick and Kim. I could tell why. Everything was really, really good. New favorite restaurant. and they had a few different hard ciders and upstairs, all these micro brews that you could put in a "make-your-own-six pack". It was just a really fun place. We watched TV when we got home and Bailey laid all over everyone. Love him! haha It was an early night though. Everyone was exhausted.
Sunday was sad. Beautiful weather again though. Breuggers for bagels, which is becoming a tradition on the days I have to leave :/ I love driving around with Paul though. It had been so long since we'd seen each other too. I'm hoping he can make it to Regionals around November 11th and we can stay in Rochester afterward. Saying goodbye sucked :( But the Pitt airport distracted me with how crowded it was. It took me an hour to just get to my gate. I took a quick nap once I got home and then ran 11 miles for my long run. So tired. Driving back to school was NOT fun.
And today, I had my echo cardiogram done. I guess they said I'm fine. The stickies were just put on differently and that created the differences. I'm freaking out now though because I need to figure out my classes for next year :/ I only have 9 credits and I need 12 to be a full time student. I need to just find a fun filler class, but I'm struggling a bit. haha
Some peektures!!!
Friday, Paul had work. So we made breakfast, I took a nap (spooning with Bailey, obviously. He's a big cuddlebug) and did some homework. Health Services called to continue my heart saga. Wednesday night I had to go in because they told me I had abnormalities on my EKG and they sent it out to be read. I was freaking out. Then on Thursday, my office at home compared it to my old one and found some of the same abnormalities. So I felt better knowing I was just weird and not dying. Then, Friday, Health Services called me back to tell me that actually, no, there were some differences and I needed to get double checked. Freaking out again. I shoved it back and tried to just enjoy Pittsburgh. I would make my appointment when I got home they told me. So I laced up the shoes and went for a run around Pittsburgh. I actually ran to Paul's work, re^2. HUGE hill. Coming back up it was NOT fun. haha. I got in 9.5 miles, mostly hills. But Paul saw me when I ran down there and he whistled. I didn't turn around right away so this guy washing his car started laughing and goes, "See! She thought it was me!" I showered and lay down for a little while with Ophelia until Paul came home. He was tired so we bought Bridesmaids, Rock brought home Taco Bell and we spent the night laughing.
Saturday was ZOO DAY! Pittsburgh Zoo. We had fun. Paul said he'd never been to one before and just wanted to see the tigers. They had so many flamingos and elephants though! And at the end, a mini donkey and a camel. Kangaroos too. We explored the Strip District after and tried getting lunch at the famous Primanti's, but the line wrapped around the block so we ate at a grille around the block and wandered around looking at everything. It was a beautiful day too. We went in a Halloween Costume store and they had the Rosie the Robot costume from the Jetsons. I tried it on, but the arms sleeves were a little big for me. :( I loved it though. It was a good exploring day though. We went to South Side for dinner at Fatheads (the number 2 restaurant in Pittsburgh) with Rick and Kim. I could tell why. Everything was really, really good. New favorite restaurant. and they had a few different hard ciders and upstairs, all these micro brews that you could put in a "make-your-own-six pack". It was just a really fun place. We watched TV when we got home and Bailey laid all over everyone. Love him! haha It was an early night though. Everyone was exhausted.
Sunday was sad. Beautiful weather again though. Breuggers for bagels, which is becoming a tradition on the days I have to leave :/ I love driving around with Paul though. It had been so long since we'd seen each other too. I'm hoping he can make it to Regionals around November 11th and we can stay in Rochester afterward. Saying goodbye sucked :( But the Pitt airport distracted me with how crowded it was. It took me an hour to just get to my gate. I took a quick nap once I got home and then ran 11 miles for my long run. So tired. Driving back to school was NOT fun.
And today, I had my echo cardiogram done. I guess they said I'm fine. The stickies were just put on differently and that created the differences. I'm freaking out now though because I need to figure out my classes for next year :/ I only have 9 credits and I need 12 to be a full time student. I need to just find a fun filler class, but I'm struggling a bit. haha
Some peektures!!!
Ophelia :)
the amount of Koi fish was ABSOLUTELY OFF THE WALL INSANE! haha
Got him to touch it! haha
Polar bear stuffed animal puppet that ate the camera
hahahahahahaha
Paul was imitating the camel chewing hahaha
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Some pics from the past few races
Oh and I have a couple more pictures, obviously. hahah
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Lasts
I'm really confused as to WHERE THE FALL WEATHER IS!
We had our meet at Lehigh yesterday. Ran the Women's Brown race 6k. And.... (drum roll please) the women's team placed THIRD!!!!!! Wooohoooo! I think there was something like, 368 finishers total? The course was slick as anything during the day. It caked over a bit more towards the afternoon, but certain patches were just BAD. Like going towards the finish there's a sort of wooded stretch behind the corn field and it's on a downward slant. I was trying so hard not to just slip down it sideways. My best time on that course was Sophomore year when the footing was good. I think it was 21:30. I ran 22:29 today, but they're figuring it was at LEAST 30 seconds slow. And it was HOT. I was not expecting the heat to come raging in like it did at 1 p.m. My breathing was a mess, as usual. So...I'll take it. I'm not ECSTATIC. I really like that we got third. It was nice having a trophy to hold up at the end after how hard we worked. But...Mile repeats this week and some hills in Pittsbugh.
This week has actually been sort of quiet. I was all over campus running mini-errands and I need to go buy more breathing stuff Monday, but it's been alright. The Capping blog is coming along. I'm just nervous because I hope it's interesting and worthy of a good grade. I certainly enjoy writing it, which is what doesn't make it feel like WORK exactly. So that makes me a little nervous...I'm going to try and do a lot of work-ahead this week so I don't have a ton to worry about in Pittsburgh.
I wanted to go see The Maine after MAACs because I LOVE them. But, Paul wouldn't be able to make it here for 8 p.m. from work. So I might just hold off and wait until we can both go because it'd be nice to go see a band we both really like together.
It's parent's weekend. Mom and Dad are coming today. It's weird. Yesterday was my LAST race at Lehigh (thank you, God!) and now it's my last parent's weekend. I wasn't really thinking about "lasts" until yesterday. It's almost as though I really don't care and I'm beginning to think I don't. I have so much on my mind and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself that I just ignore the present, which is weird. I dunno. It's too early to think about this right now.
Saw 50/50 last night. It was really sad, but good. I was in a weird mood afterwards and just wanted to go to bed after digging the dirt out of my track spikes. Grrrr. Ruined a good toothbrush on that one.
I'm excited for Pittsburgh, nervous about the plane though. I hope my bag is the right size for carry-on. And I wanted to bring my Nikon, but that doesn't seem like it will be happening if I want to bring a back pack too. :/ So no peektures for me. Damn. Alright, I have to go practice and clean my room before my parents get here.
We had our meet at Lehigh yesterday. Ran the Women's Brown race 6k. And.... (drum roll please) the women's team placed THIRD!!!!!! Wooohoooo! I think there was something like, 368 finishers total? The course was slick as anything during the day. It caked over a bit more towards the afternoon, but certain patches were just BAD. Like going towards the finish there's a sort of wooded stretch behind the corn field and it's on a downward slant. I was trying so hard not to just slip down it sideways. My best time on that course was Sophomore year when the footing was good. I think it was 21:30. I ran 22:29 today, but they're figuring it was at LEAST 30 seconds slow. And it was HOT. I was not expecting the heat to come raging in like it did at 1 p.m. My breathing was a mess, as usual. So...I'll take it. I'm not ECSTATIC. I really like that we got third. It was nice having a trophy to hold up at the end after how hard we worked. But...Mile repeats this week and some hills in Pittsbugh.
This week has actually been sort of quiet. I was all over campus running mini-errands and I need to go buy more breathing stuff Monday, but it's been alright. The Capping blog is coming along. I'm just nervous because I hope it's interesting and worthy of a good grade. I certainly enjoy writing it, which is what doesn't make it feel like WORK exactly. So that makes me a little nervous...I'm going to try and do a lot of work-ahead this week so I don't have a ton to worry about in Pittsburgh.
I wanted to go see The Maine after MAACs because I LOVE them. But, Paul wouldn't be able to make it here for 8 p.m. from work. So I might just hold off and wait until we can both go because it'd be nice to go see a band we both really like together.
It's parent's weekend. Mom and Dad are coming today. It's weird. Yesterday was my LAST race at Lehigh (thank you, God!) and now it's my last parent's weekend. I wasn't really thinking about "lasts" until yesterday. It's almost as though I really don't care and I'm beginning to think I don't. I have so much on my mind and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself that I just ignore the present, which is weird. I dunno. It's too early to think about this right now.
Saw 50/50 last night. It was really sad, but good. I was in a weird mood afterwards and just wanted to go to bed after digging the dirt out of my track spikes. Grrrr. Ruined a good toothbrush on that one.
I'm excited for Pittsburgh, nervous about the plane though. I hope my bag is the right size for carry-on. And I wanted to bring my Nikon, but that doesn't seem like it will be happening if I want to bring a back pack too. :/ So no peektures for me. Damn. Alright, I have to go practice and clean my room before my parents get here.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Parrot?
So I was home this past weekend. It was all good, yadda yadda. Got a ton of errands done (groceries, dry cleaned skirt, went to the bank, got travel sized toiletries for Pittsburgh, did my laundry). It was just unnaturally humid. Is it or is it NOT fall at this point?! Come on Weather. Let's get some crisp fall weather going. I want sweaters and the smell of fires. Apple cider and pumpkins. Leaves changing colors and a cold breeze constantly blowing around. I DO NOT WANT humidity, shorts, frizzy hair and the constant desire to take a shower. Furthermore, on my run Friday morning, I heard an odd squawking. So I look into my neighbor's yard and do a double take. There is a PARROT (yes, a live parrot), sitting in their tree. It was blue and gold and I'm assuming it was the neighbor's pet that was on the run. But you never know. Connecticut could be the new tropics considering all the humidity that we've had lately. Rage.
I also went to Otis with Dad. Went for a run. Once again, felt like summer. I was dripping after 10 miles. But we got the boats sorted out and moved around, which was good. Without Mike home, he needs some help. So I offered to drive up and help him Wednesday night or Thursday morning.
I am nervous for Pittsburgh. I hate flying and I need to find places to run while I'm out there. But also, it's going to be so hard to leave and say goodbye all over again.
This was in my neighbor's tree. Yup. He was trying to talk to me too. I think. Maybe I delusional from sweating out my body weight.
I also went to Otis with Dad. Went for a run. Once again, felt like summer. I was dripping after 10 miles. But we got the boats sorted out and moved around, which was good. Without Mike home, he needs some help. So I offered to drive up and help him Wednesday night or Thursday morning.
I am nervous for Pittsburgh. I hate flying and I need to find places to run while I'm out there. But also, it's going to be so hard to leave and say goodbye all over again.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Blog is up!!!!
hey guys!
Please follow or at least check out a few times in the months to follow, my new blog! It's for my capping project and I'm trying to establish some sort of following. So go take a look at my journey through the application process for grad school!!!! It includes some of my creative writing samples, interviews, and some personal posts:)
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
Please follow or at least check out a few times in the months to follow, my new blog! It's for my capping project and I'm trying to establish some sort of following. So go take a look at my journey through the application process for grad school!!!! It includes some of my creative writing samples, interviews, and some personal posts:)
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
http://gradschoolinsider.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Dream Analysis
I really started wondering the past few days about analyzing my dreams. I've had some doosies lately. But the one tat ALWAYS bugs me, is how my teeth fall out. Some girl in my class last night said that dreams where your teeth fall out signal an instability in your life. Well, that's spot on. I'm a senior in college. I'm unstable. I don't know where I'm going with my life.
Ok...so I looked stuff up and it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Internet dream dictionaries that are free probably aren't the best things to look into. But in further regards, what the hell was I thinking to have some of the dreams that I do? Like when I was 4 or 5, had a dream that a giant, rainbow, tap dancing fish in a top hat ate my entire family. then we sat in a completely white room and had a chat. Explain that. I had a realistic dream of being chased up a tree in the jungle by a cheetah and I felt and watched it tear me apart and eat me. That one woke me ups creaming when I was 6. I've had dreams where I've gotten out of bed and ran to the bathroom in college to start brushing my teeth and get ready for class, only to see it is 2:15a.m. and my roommate has just gone to sleep. I was staying at Paul's and made him get up to knock on the bathroom door ebcause I thought someone was in there. No one was. So he grudgingly gets up, opens the door for me and goes back to bed. I looked inside and went back to bed, never using the bathroom. That was another weird one. And I didn't actually remember it the next day. He reminded me and then I remembered. I have colorful, wild dreams that rush and fly around. I was riding horses through a giant lollipop forest with the Harry Potter cast. I just don't even know where some of these things come from. Either I'm crazy or creative. I wish some of this creativity would bust out when I'm writing.
I'm tired, but can't sleep. I have a workout today. I want today and tomorrow to be over so I can go home Thursday and get a little change of scenery.
Ok...so I looked stuff up and it wasn't exactly what I was looking for. Internet dream dictionaries that are free probably aren't the best things to look into. But in further regards, what the hell was I thinking to have some of the dreams that I do? Like when I was 4 or 5, had a dream that a giant, rainbow, tap dancing fish in a top hat ate my entire family. then we sat in a completely white room and had a chat. Explain that. I had a realistic dream of being chased up a tree in the jungle by a cheetah and I felt and watched it tear me apart and eat me. That one woke me ups creaming when I was 6. I've had dreams where I've gotten out of bed and ran to the bathroom in college to start brushing my teeth and get ready for class, only to see it is 2:15a.m. and my roommate has just gone to sleep. I was staying at Paul's and made him get up to knock on the bathroom door ebcause I thought someone was in there. No one was. So he grudgingly gets up, opens the door for me and goes back to bed. I looked inside and went back to bed, never using the bathroom. That was another weird one. And I didn't actually remember it the next day. He reminded me and then I remembered. I have colorful, wild dreams that rush and fly around. I was riding horses through a giant lollipop forest with the Harry Potter cast. I just don't even know where some of these things come from. Either I'm crazy or creative. I wish some of this creativity would bust out when I'm writing.
I'm tired, but can't sleep. I have a workout today. I want today and tomorrow to be over so I can go home Thursday and get a little change of scenery.
I also miss this goofball.
Scenery shots from Otis mid-June
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